Family Meetings | 6 Tips For Parenting A Strong Willed Child
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If you have a strong-willed child, you have an amazing opportunity. You can help them become one of the most responsible members of your family and get them to listen while you’re at it. I should know… I was one and I now have one of my own. Planning and successfully executing regular family meetings could be the key to teach your child how to harness their independence productively.
When left to their own emotional devices, kids use defiance to cope with the world. Regular family meetings help your children learn how to listen, communicate their feelings, become solution-seekers, and respect differences.
If you feel like this solution won’t work or you’ve tried and given up, consider these tips to bolster your efforts for success. You’re about to learn 6 ways to restore your confidence to run a family meeting that could become a healthy family tradition.
Why do we insist on pretending everything works well when it doesn’t?
There isn’t a single perfect family on planet earth. Everyone is subject to human error and we know pushing family problems aside doesn’t mean they go away.
Eventually, after minor issues chip away at the foundation, something has to give and a family fight ensues that leaves people not speaking. All kids fight with their parents and each other. As the head of your household, you have a responsibility to teach your children the right way to communicate.
Strong-willed or independent children will benefit immensely when you help them check their behavior. If fights and screaming happen often, put your adult pants on and schedule a family meeting. Put aside the notion that family meetings are “boring” or “too much like school.” If you do it right, it can be fun (yes, I said FUN). Connect with your kids and give them the control and independence they are craving.
Family meetings teach your children excellent communication skills. It may sound counterintuitive, but letting your children speak their mind teaches them to be good listeners. If you set clear ground rules, provide the platform, and encourage them properly, your seemingly defiant child will open up.
Announce that a family meeting is happening at a specific time and make it an offer they can’t refuse. Make it known that the meeting will be short and you need input for something fun at the end. Stick to your promise and make your first meeting no longer than 15 minutes. Consider preparing an agenda at first and make it fun.
Asking questions promotes participation. Be specific to get an answer. Broad questions make kids freeze up and shrug with overwhelm. If this form of communication is new for your family, simple “yes” and “no” questions can still reveal a lot about what solutions to aim for.
Phrase ideas positively or your kids will get defensive and shut down. Say something like, “you’re so talented at drawing. It surprised me to see you upset yesterday while working on a picture. Did something happen?” You acknowledge your child has a skill. They feel validated and are more likely to answer honestly because they don’t feel attacked.
Their answer may surprise you. The key to fixing many issues often goes deeper than the incident itself. You’ll never know how to help your child solve problems if you don’t listen to what they have to say. If you are prone to giving well-meaning advice and dictating, your kids stop telling the truth and resort to covering up mistakes.
Little kids (4 and younger) with short attention spans can to play quietly during the family meeting. By having them in the room, they take part by being respectful. Little kids hear everything and understand more than we realize. One day, your two-year-old blurts out an entire phrase you didn’t realize they knew because they heard you say it yesterday on the phone.
If you’re meeting with your spouse and/or older children, let littles be present as long as they can play quietly. They learn by your example of taking turns. When they’re old enough to join, they’ll know what to do and maybe even be excited about the promotion.
Learn how to view mistakes as opportunities.
No human being is here on earth to be perfect. The purpose of life is to make mistakes and learn from them. It’s the only way we grow. Any opportunity to become better is good, and children must understand that.
Strong-willed children are fiercely independent and need to feel in control. When they make a mistake, they need to learn how to fix it themselves. They need to understand that the consequences of their actions occur because of a choice they made. It’s important that you trust them to find a solution to mend the situation.
Let’s say you discover your child is lying about their grades. Explain that you’re sorry they made the choice to lie about it. Point out that lying about their poor grades doesn’t have the power to change them, but you’ll have a meeting to find a solution to make it better.
If you get stuck on the fact that your child lied and can’t see beyond the error, it will be hard for your children too. Talk about good habits to avoid situations where kids feel the need to cover up mistakes and allow them to create better outcomes. Prioritize moving forward, not what they did wrong.
Let your child choose their consequences. No idea is off-limits when you’re brainstorming together. Agree on the best option after everyone has shared. If your child has some control over consequences and solutions, they’'ll be less likely to break their own rules.
Learn how to respect differences.
Possibly the hardest thing for people to learn - agree to disagree. You may have tried having family meetings in the past and felt like a failure when you couldn’t agree on something. Don’t give up. Disagreement is ok.
If your kids are fighting and can’t find a compromise, schedule another time to talk more about it. As tensions soften, differences settle or become forgotten. If you view a fight that ends in disagreement as a failure, your children will too.
7+3 = 10 but so does 5+5. Give kids a platform to speak and learn to accept each other’s differences. With practice, they’ll learn to move on from disputes more quickly. I give specific examples of how to help kids engage during your family meeting later on in this article.
Tackle the family meeting, step-by-step.
Any successful meeting starts with a plan and an agenda to keep things organized and paced appropriately. Download my template and feel confident in your efforts. As a dance educator, I’ve learned that you’ll get kids to listen only if you keep it short, to the point, and rewarding for them. Can you blame them?
1. Determine when and where you will meet.
Decide on a comfortable place in your home. Dining rooms or family rooms are suitable spots where everyone has a place to sit and face each other.
Give advanced notice of two to three days, so there’s no excuse not to be present. Get verbal confirmation that everyone knows when and where things are happening. Teenagers will be especially resistant. Assure them that even though it’s non negotiable, you value their time and will keep it to no longer than 15 minutes. Be true to your word.
I’ve also found success in appealing to a teenager’s sense of maturity. You want to treat them more like an adult who can handle conducting themselves with maturity and respect for 15 minutes. Offer the opportunity for them to eventually lead the meeting if that appeals to them. Respect your teen’s free time. Give them plenty of time to get ready post meet up so they have something to look forward to.
Give real-world examples based on your kid’s desires that are relatable. For instance, point out how communicating in this manner will give them a leg up with college roommates and significant others. Give a gentle reminder that you want to equip them to deal with problems without mom or dad interfering in their personal life. That usually gets them on board. Your teens may whine about it now, but they almost always come around later.
2. Think about issues to address and prepare a positive outlook.
Whoever leads the meeting needs to maintain control and flow for naysayers. Some meetings, especially at first, may be unsuccessful.
3. Be prepared to lead, not lecture.
Don’t use this time as a platform to lecture your family. If you make this crucial mistake, your meeting will fail and your efforts will be wasted.
4. Gather intel.
Once you’ve announced intentions to your fam, spend the next couple days honing in on issues you need to address. If you come upon a conflict, mention to your kids that they can discuss it at the meeting. Kids who are emotionally driven see value in the moment.
This is the perfect opportunity to teach basic anger management. Upset kids want to be heard and promising them dedicated time to share often diffuses a lot of tension. Acknowledge your child’s burning needs and allow them time to process feelings logically. Again, be true to your word and allow them time to speak during your meeting.
If your kids are still resistant, don’t give up. Be the leader and stand your ground. If a particular issue is causing too much trouble, move on from it and come back to it later. It’s important to remain calm, confident, and keep things moving along. When I notice my children or my students getting restless, I shift their focus to the next topic or ask them a question. This almost always works to keep them engaged.
5. Plan for the worst.
Have a follow-up meeting date in mind. If the cat hits the fan and things fall apart, you can pick it back up later. I will say it again - DON’T GIVE UP. Consistency and determination with a solid plan is the only path to success. You will have a bad meeting that ends in your defeat. Know this ahead of time and plan for it. Remember, you’re in charge of your family and your kids must learn from you. Teach them how to push past failure and keep trying.
6. Create an agenda until you get the hang of it. Post it somewhere all members can add to it throughout the week.
Once you’ve gathered intel create a quick agenda. If you’ve been on the lookout, this part should be easy. Consider having specific meeting minute to keep time throughout your discussion to keep the flow. Decide how long each person has to speak (including yourself) and use a timer.
An agenda could look like this:
Notice that you’re setting a positive mood by giving each person a chance to say something good about themselves and each other. If your kids don’t know what to say you can prompt them and all they have to say is “yes.”
Next, bring up the issues that need to be addressed. If you posted an agenda or noted issues earlier no one gets blindsided. Give everyone time to speak with no interruptions. This part goes pretty smoothly with meeting minutes.
Time to brainstorm
Everyone offers solutions and consequences. Everyone contributes and votes on the best solution. Remember that kids are less likely to break their own rules and expectations.
Save the best for last
Once you’ve ripped the bandaid off and gotten through the rough part, shift focus to something positive. It’s like that scene in every coming-of-age film where two people shaking hands and make up. Teach your kids to look on the bright side and move on from a dispute. It’s important so they don’t develop grudges.
Plan fun activities and offer suggestions for a family vacation. Always ask for input and everyone who wants to contribute can. Plan family date nights and ask your child to put their idea on the calendar. They’ll have something special to look forward to that they love, feel validated, and learn to end on a positive note.
Meeting adjourned! Wrap the meeting and announce follow up.
Expert Psychologists recommend trying this out every two weeks if possible. The goal here is to build momentum and consistency. As you do this more often, your kids will have a routine to rely on and maybe even look forward to. You’ll be free from having to drop something important to settle a dispute because your kids know they’ll have time to deal with it during a meeting. If your child bursts in the room demanding something, you can tell them to add it to the agenda.
Award-winning therapist and author, Barton Goldsmith said in Psychology Today, “Holding a weekly family meeting will be one of the highest return investments you will ever make. I believe that parents have two jobs, 1) to teach their children how to love and 2) to teach them how to live without their parents. The family meeting will help you accomplish both goals.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Yours in Love and Independence,
Melanie
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